Pentathlon of Retiree Games

Motto:

Citius, Altius, Fortius

And yet:

The most important thing in the Pentathlon of Retiree Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.^[4]

Venue:

Imperial Bonita Estates RV Resort

Competitors:

Representing the country of indefatigable players with little skill and much enthusiasm: Shelly

Representing the country of serious competitors who suggested racing bicycles from one event to the next as an added challenge: Tracy

(Both caught in this rare photo training together.)

Events:

Mini Golf

Bocce

Horse Shoes

Corn Hole

Shuffleboard

Photo Documentary of the Historic Event

Mini Golf

A classic event. Yet here the competitors were faced with the additional challenge placed upon them by the venue of a course that was not a mini golf course, but was instead some kind of practice putting green, purpose uncertain.

They overcame the unexpected challenge by facing it head-on, with no practice, no walking the course, and no strategy other than simply aiming for each of the mysteriously and randomly flagged seven holes.

Winner: Tracy, by a small margin made smaller due to his double bogey on the last hole.

Bocce

The retiree challenge for this event involved fungi growing up through the astroturf as well as random rocks and seashells on the playing court.

The competitors faced this challenge bravely, by flicking the offending obstacles away after discovery during the game. No extra points were awarded for overcoming the challenge.

Winner: Tracy. Damn him.

Horse Shoes

The most risky and, some might postulate, violent sport in the event.

Metal fencing had been erected in two rows to contain the heavy projectiles. Yet, competitor Shelly managed to fling her horse shoes past both barriers several times. Only wise event-timing to avoid bystanders (dinner time) prevented injury.

A higher-than-expected risk of legal liability nearly forced the competitors to withdraw. They persisted though, and, without injury or damage to property, played a full round.

Winner: Tracy. Duh.

Corn Hole

This event is singular as the only one with which the athletes had training and prior competition, and they seemed to be evenly matched.

Shelly looked strong, until a golf cart of spectators stopped to watch. She buckled under pressure.

Winner: Tracy

Shuffleboard

The athletes had to transfer their previous tabletop shuffleboard skills (gained from brewery tasting rooms) to this larger playing field. Added impediments included masks (the arena is normally packed with amateur players but was empty for this historic evening) and mysteriously and awkwardly placed benches at one end.

Tracy played a strong game until the very end, when twice he landed his puck in the negative point zone, thus giving added weight to Shelly’s unexpected high scoring in the same rounds.

Winner: Shelly!

Acknowledgements

The competitors would like to thank Banjo, who waited patiently in the trailer while they played, and Finn, who briefly delayed his weekly phone call with Shelly. Photoshopper Jacqui in New Zealand provided the gold medal in the championship image.

In an event with such profound consequences that cascade throughout the RV park, such sacrifices are essential.

Will the Games Go On?

Reporters attempted to ask the athletes after the championship if they would tackle the remaining events at the venue: tennis, pickle ball (whatever that is), avoiding head-on collisions with golf carts while bike riding from the mail center, trying to remember everyone’s names while in the pool where only people’s heads are visible as they do retiree water aerobics, and getting one’s recycling into the dumpster without lifting the lid so high that it falls backwards.

Neither athlete would comment, but this reporter has faith that, in such dark times as these, athletes of this high caliber will heed their calling to entertain themselves as well as you, their loyal fans.